.::. JANDRE-A .::.

2007-11-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

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Its been a month since I came into my blog to talk about my life. Its been a month. Everything... Everything is gone, is over... Somehow it seemed to me that no matter how we are going to get back together, nothing will ever be the same again. He wants to insist I cheat on him and in his heart and eyes I'm a bitch, I've nothing to say all except 'ouch'. Andre, if ever one day you came across this blog, read this... no matter where I am or who I hanged out with, you are always in my thoughts. Though at that time I know there is this guy so different form you I would be happy with, I still had you in mind and heart. When I chose you, you treated me like a slut thinking I cheated on you and you treated me nothing but a bitch, talking to me with no respect. (it hurts) My conscience is clear from start. It just shows you know nothing bout me till now. There is no point to anything. You really have mis-treated me no doubt about that. You have made me forgotten the meaning of love, the meaning of happiness do you know that... Whenever I think about the past and what I see now, I could only give a smile in despair. We are seperated now and I know I have 3 months to get over you before my Birthday comes, but somehow at the moment, I miss you.

2007-09-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

No matter how much I've done for him... I will never feel appreciated deeply by him. He'll never realise that he hasn't been able to allow myself I am being treasured by him. Rather he will only know how to hurt me further saying he knows I want to tell him he doesn't appreciate me or say everytime I cause things to such a mess between us. Today its his Birthday. He made no effort in creating time for the both of us as his father last minute wanted to bring him out for dinner and my plans were ruined. Friday he chose to be with his friends when 2 days ago he said he could cancel it just to be with me. This afternoon asked him whether he had time for dinner. He said he was too busy with his project but I still push my luck to ask whether he could squeeze in some time for dinner. I was dressed up today and planned to take him to dinner and get his Birthday present too. Immediately he said he don't know what time he can make it and tell me to eat first if I was hungry. Indeed I was as I hadn't eaten since yesterday night till that afternoon. I sent back a sms saying forget it and went home. Thinking, since he can't be botherd why should I? Tonight (12/9/07) when he said he was coming, I quickly went out to find a cake for him so at the strike of midnight, I could celebrate it with him. Last minute he say he was too tired and didn't wanna come. I said do whatever you want. The next thing I know, I was feeling hurt that my plan has fail again. I called him only to know that he was actually sleeping without calling me... I told him bout the cake I bought and he still have no signs of touched. I mentioned break up as I really feel no point... Really no point.... At the end of the day, I'm full of pain and un-appreciated...

2007-09-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

These days, not much has changed. Still have been crying especially after a recent fight again. Told myself... I can't be with such a violent person not anymore. So many times I couldn't take it anymore. And I really don't want all this anymore... Why is the feeling of 'Love' so strong and down to earth within me?? I always tell my friends and myself, ''The Greatest Thing About Love Is Forgiving''. Have I been too forgiving?? Why is he still not changing? I've got my heart broken so many times by him so why am I still not learning? Too many questions for myself and I have no answers to it is just because I love him too much? His birthday is next week and many times I had thoughts of just ignoring it to make him feel lost or something like that. But I know how its like to feel disappointed and I just want him to be happy... But I didn't know wanting him to be happy would be sacrificing mine... Yesterday I was looking through his photos. Saw pictures I never would want to look at. I was angry but mostly hurt and felt betrayed... I trusted him to go have fun and clubbing all... While I, waiting for his call and sms worrying for him whether he is home safely till to the late morning... And all I got back was being called a controller of him and all those disgusting pictures. Andre asked me, why do I always say bad things about him to his friends and my friends? Maybe I was too much and realised myself that I shouldn't be this way. He is the man I love not anyone I hate or dislike. Thinking back all the things I did a month ago when he broke up with me, I did too much and all he did was brush me away and reject me all the way. Weeks ago he came back doing nothing at all to get me back and I went back to him like that. I'm not a difficult person to please at all. I didn't want to rub into it its just that the way he has been treating me I feel I'm too nice and taken advantage of. I kept asking him, ''Can you please treat me better?''... A BIG SIGH... I've got a plan for his birthday... Should I proceed??... Just when will I really stand strong to walk away from him once and for all letting him realise everything on his own instead of me reminding him all the time that he feels I am annoying. When will I stop loving him....

2007-09-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

Somehow we got back together. No he didn't do anythingi to get me back. All he did was to say he missed me and stupid me went back to him. So many things about him has change... Everything about us is so different now... Being with him now is nothing but feeling upset and angry. I miss 'Andre' (last time Andre)... He doesn't want to have a gf in school I try to accept though it cuts deep down... Yesterday walking to school, he kept a distance away from me and seeing another couple from our school holding hands, I pointed to him. He asked me, ''you think that's very cool?'', ''why you so purposely? you know I don't like to be intimate with you...'' Immediately I told him that this is public not school! and he said there are a lot of farmiliar faces walking by... Everything about him is so different... Andre... what have you done to me? Sometimes I myself can't be bothered about you... Which is not me. I want to bother about you. To care for you... Next week is your Birthday... I asked whether you wanted me to plan anything for you... You said you want... But deep down, I'm feeling you won't even appreciate it so why must I do something for you?... What have you done to me? Telling you is no use... You'll do nothing and ignore... I have to ask you to hold my hand and hug me. When you hold my hand I had to ask you what is the purpose holding my hand? Are you holding it for the sake of holding it? I had to ask you do you love me cos these are simple yet meaningful words I've heard form you. When you said you do, You Love Me No More Like Before... Everything about us is so different now... I'm getting tired... When will I stop loving you...

2007-08-14T04:52:00.000-07:00

Currently, Andre and I are having a DAMN complicated realationship. WhY? Cos... both of us are holding back our love for each other way too much. Is like, he is doing and saying things that is mis leading me. We've been working together for 5 days last week and during that period of time, many things happened. Some good, some bad and even some Thrilling ones... We had conversations that just makes me feel good at times and shitty too. Example, he can tell me, ''is not I don't love you, just wait... I just want to see you change'' At first I was like telling myself that maybe I would change but then again, its about my attitude again and simple logic that I am sure everyone (except Andre) knows that: If you don't piss or offend people, people won't get angry or show you attitude for nothing right? Same thing that goes for me. If he doesn't do or says things that piss me, for what I show him my attitude when all I can't wait to do is to pamper and shower him with loads of my love and care!! But then again, I told him off, ''why should you even bother bout whether I'm angry with you or not?'' cos we have broken up. Other then holding hands and kissing, we are as per normal. We could still argue with each other and stuff like that. But I simply don't like the fact that he is treating me for nothing cos he is unable to treat me as his friend nor 'not yet' a girlfriend and it just feels shitty. Yesterday went to school with him and then we decided to meet at 'Peninsula' to kinda shop for stuff. I never been there before so I walked around while waiting for him cos I was there first. I called him to let him know I've reached and continued walking looking for the particular store I wanted to go. Minutes later, he called and asked where I was. I just told him I couldn't find the shop and guess what? He shouted and scolded me over the phone! ''YOU'RE AT THE WRONG PLACE LA!! WHY YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO CALL ME TO ASK??!!'' and he hang up immediately. Suddenly form my back he actually shouted ''JANICE CHUA!!'' and please... the way he shouted my name was damn rude and angry. I had teary eyes and just said ''you need not shout and scold me''... He angrily said this to me ''when times you need my help and call, you don't call, times you don't need to call, you call'' and I just told him I didn't want to bother him too much cos I was really afraid he might find me irritating to keep calling. And you see, there I go again, showing my attitude... Just tell me people, how not to show him my attitude?? We have broken up and yet he still shouts and scold me as and when he please. And I bet that he doesn't shouts or scolds his friends this way. So I'm he doesn't treats me as his friend nor girlfriend, Thats why I feel shitty!! Then later when he cool down, he apologise. What the hell la... Today I went Art Friend with Fairul to get materials and I called him to ask about my 'lino cutter'... At first was fine... then comes in the ''FUCK!!!''... at first I thought what happened so I asked what happened. ''FUCK LA!!! YOU REALLY CALL AT THE WRONG TIME FUCK!! I JUST BOUGHT THE STUD AND BALL DROP!! FUCK!''... I immediately said sorry and hang up... Immediately I controlled my tears but was teary in my eyes... He called twice and I didn't want to answer... Then he sms ''what you want to ask!!! now I am calling you... answer'' then the third call came in immediately after that... I answered and he shouted again and I shouted back, ''YOUR STUD DROP I PAY YOU BACK LA!! EVERYTIME I CALL YOU ALWAYS SAY I CALL AT THE WRONG TIME THATS WHY I DIDN'T DARE TO KEEP CALLING YOU AND YOU BLOODY HELL HELL TELL ME I COULD CALL YOU WHENEVER I REALLY NEEDED HELP AND NOW YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!! I KNOW I AM NOTHING TO YOU!!'' I hung up and this time I couldn't control anymore... I went to the back of the shop and cried... Shortly after that, he sms me, ''Fuck you!!''... I can't be bothered after that... Feeling damn piss and broken, Fairul brought me to have a drink for free and I was feeling better. Soon after that, Andre sms me again and apologise to me saying he was sorry for losing his temper at me... I felt so hurt I cried the second time... DAMN! Why I keep crying ah?? I didn't whether or not to reply and also didn't know what to reply so I just left it... I tried telling myslef at least he apologised... But please la... Who does he treat me for?? Taking out his fustration and anger on me and later on apologising... I hate the feeling... At least if he could treat me as his friend, I wouldn't feel that bad when he apologise. But the problem is I not treated his friend nor girlfriend!! And it simply feels FUCKED UP! Get what I mean... And guess what la... I even bought him cookies for his breakfast tomorrow before all this shit happened... He simply doesn't knows how to appreciate me at all... And I know... But it's just me in the end that I choose to be like this... I'm just waiting for the day where my feelings gets tired of all this and forgets him, I won't be this way anymore... No matter how many people have told me to just leave him alone so that he'll feel the lost, I just can't do it... Not when I still love him... I'll wait till the day comes... When I love him no more...

2007-08-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Never wanted to bother much about this blog I had again but just as when I thought I was going through all this shit so far so good, as in I'm moving on with my life well then I never really much brood over all this unhappy stuff. Guess what... Did something damn stupid that I don't even wanna say it that I got myself DAMN hurt and feeling very fucked up. Who to blame? Non other than me cos I ADMIT I AM STUPID! TO THE MAX! What can I say... I missed him. And was like asked the same question twice today of whether still loving him. And hey... that never came across my mind since from like last week and this question still lingers within my thoughts till now. Do I still love him? Answer couldn't be 'no' or a 'yes'. Why not a 'yes'? Cos I feel I am moving on... Just that sometimes yes I do miss him... But everything was fine till like yesterday?
Especially today... Gees... what have I done to get myself into all this shit again... Janice!!! WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!!!

.::. Most Remembered Moment .::.

2007-07-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

My Most Remembered And Treasured Moment - 13th September 2006 - His Very First Birhtday With Me...

And Andre, I'll Never Ever Will Forget The Very First Day We Met And The Things We Did When You Hadn't Change To Who You Are Right Now... You'll Be Remembered Till The Day I've Stopped Waiting, You'll be Forgotten...

.::. My Last Gift .::.

2007-07-23T22:14:00.000-07:00

My Very Last Gift To Him... Hoping For A Chance, Everything Ended In His Hands Just Like That... My Very First Time Upon Completing This Cross Stitch And Did Not Expect That It Also Brought This Relationship An End...

2007-07-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, having the similar feeling and going through the same ordeal... - A break up. I tried... Lowering my pride to look for him and having one purpose in mind and heart - To solve our problem and keep this relationship... But, no matter what I did and said, all he said was he doesn't want this relationship anymore. He is a totally changed person and he knows it. Even he knows deep down he still loves me, he not only didn't want to admit, he was stopping himself from recalling our times together. Then there came this girl he mentioned...

Andre if you are ever reading this, everything you said about the girl and you, it worked... I felt hurt... Not because I believed your words, But your main aim was to hurt me and you did. I don't know which are the words you said was true. I only know I still love you. And I can't trust you anymore... You said you tried... Not hard enough otherwise such a thing won't happen. We are always going through obstacles and you are simply giving up this time all because you want your life, your freedom. Compromise is what I want for us. A chance is what I asked from you. Not even taking on the account that there were so many times when you needed a chance, I gave you... The one time after you got high after drinking, you did something wrong and my feelings for you simply just fade immediately, you also asked for a chance... And because I know I can be with you, I tried my best to love you... Till today, my love for you hasn't lessen but unknowingly, I gave my whole heart to you. You didn't even hear my cries and just shut me up without giving me this one chance I asked for. Just as when you always say you are not those typical guys, you have already become one - a very irresponsible one... Why you have become this way... I'll wait and at the same time to forget. Andre... You'll have my blessings and don't ever feel you are alone. Please don't neglect your sister and father... Remember to bring her to watch the movie. She's been looking forward to it. Know your limits and don't make your father angry all the time. Is not he has something against you but its because you never really listens to him thats why he gets angry. Most importantly, Andre, I may not be there with you anymore to take care of you but just remember this that you're not alone... Deep down, I'm with you...

2007-07-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

A Song Lyric: Never Again

I would have given up my life for you

Guess it's true what they say about loveIt's blind

Boy, you lied straight to my face

Looking in my eyes

And I believed you 'cause I loved you more than life

And all you had to do, was apologize

You didn't say you're sorry

I don't understand

You don't care that you hurt me

And now I'm half the girl

That I used to be when it was you and me

You didn't love me enough

My heart may never mend

And you'll never get to love me, again

Sadness has me at the end of the line

Helpless watched you break this heart of mine

And loneliness only wants you back here with me

Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me

And all you had to do was apologize, and mean it

But you didn't say you're sorry

I don't understand

You don't care that you hurt me

And now I'm half the girl

That I used to be when it was you and me

You didn't love me enough

My heart may never mend

And you'll never get to love me

It's like hell I could go back in time

Maybe then I could see how

Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try

But it's too late, it's over now

You didn't say you're sorry

I don't understand

You don't care that you hurt me

And now I'm half the girl

That I used to be when it was you and me

You didn't love me enough

My heart may never mend

And you'll never get to love me... Again

.::.How Can This Be Happening - Again.::.

2007-07-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

I had always this feeling that before when he went to Thailand, our relationship was already improving... But after he came back from Thailand, I was so happy that I saw and felt that our relationship was getting even better. We were constantly giving in towards each other. And we hadn't much quarrels. Last time almost everyday we would argue... But I really felt blessed to be with him at that moment. Its all within him whether he wants to change or not. But why~ he has to say ''no, not much of a difference''?? Last night he wants a break up. And to me, it is all within himslef. Because lately he has been out with his friends and has gotten a lot of influence. He said after much talking with his friends, he feels breaking up with me is being mature??!! When I asked for a reason, he said he realised that I am always a destraction in his assesment period. And that he says I was controlling him. Thats the reason and I was like that happened like last year and he is only taking it last night. I admit partly was my fault but its a simple issue here. He is busy, but couldn't be that he doesn't even call or send an sms the whole day right? I mean even a toilet break or what, is making a call or sending a sms that difficult? I don't like to be forgotten by him. And I can't possibly go down to look for him just because I missed him cos that would stop him from doing his work. And about controlling him, to him he may feel I am controlling him so I never blamed him. But all I want for him to do was just letting me know where he is going and with whom and to call me as soon as he gets home no matter how late it is. Is that too much of me? I may say things that is very unreasonable like ''since you can't even call, you can stop thinking bout going out with your friends otherwise, I'll go along with you!'' and also i ever said very nicely to him after he got back form Thailand that if ever next time he goes clubbing with his friends, he has to bring me. BUT, I've done none of these... I was just being so angry that why he can't even call me and made me stay up till morning 4am worying for him and he takes it that I am being troublesome... Thats why he didn't call... We tried to compromise and letting him go and I not following him but he has to call that simple... Where am I wrong??? Andre... you are so easily distracted you know that? When you have something new in life, you neglect the ones beside you... How can you say that frineds are more long lasting than having a gf when I kept telling you ''FRIENDS ARE NOT FOREVER''??!! Andre, do you even realise that you are dumping me for your friends?? And you call that being mature?? Being mature is solving problems between us and not taking it as a trouble to do so. With that kind of a thinking you still dare to tell me you are ready to be in a relationship when I asked you last night? Right now Andre, 'Love' is no longer in your heart... Its your friends... Your friends are really in a big influence to you and you call yourself being mature... You put your 'face' way above your head and you call that a man's pride... In front of your friends Andre, all you have is 'face'. Your pride is long lost the moment you chose your friends over me. Childish of you is what I call, You confidently tell me that is being mature. A person that can never admit he is childish at first, is always the person who always say big that he is mature. Andre, I can't blame your friends... everything is within yourself. Just like when you came back from Thailand, you missed me so much and said you have learnt to bacome a better bf. You did and why... do you have to say it makes no difference to you?? Its all in you... WAKE UP ANDRE!!!

.::.Not Yet Called.::.

2007-07-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

Its been 6 days already... Still no calls from him... 2 days ago was our 1 year 5 months Anniversary and I told myself to wait till the very last minute that night that he'll do something or at least call. But the hurt this time wasn't that hard to bare cos I already knew the outcome of it... Cos like I said, whenever this feeling of expecting him of something, it means GREAT disappointment in the end. Last night his father called me and came to realise that he was out with his friends partying. I knew it all along... And had the urge of calling him to scold him but I thought, this whole thing between us is almost like a silent break up and I chose not to bother anymore. All the things I once said about informing me where he was going and to call me upon reaching home no matter how late it was - he can't be bothered with it. So many times he chose his friends over me and this time round its the same. Instead of solving situations between us, he chose to have fun with his friends (most of them are girls). And this isn't the first time. Also, it isn't the first time I told him that I hate him enjoying with his friends first then come look for me. If you guys think that ''at least he still looks for me'' well, I was the one who ASKED to. He calls this pampering me too much but hey its been like more than 6 months whenever we quarrel, he didn't came looking for me nor call. Rather, I'll be calling him after 2 days at most to scold him. In my heart right now, part of me already considered this relationship - ended. On the other hand having the thoughts - let him be... have fun or anything he wants to do. Till he is bored of it and have enough, he'll look for me naturally. But at the same time ain't I just torturing myself? Its like, there he is - Enjoying. Here I am - Waiting. And its not as if I'm like him who takes the advantage to go out with friends to have fun. Cos to him, I'm always controlling him. Hey peeps, as a gf, is it wrong to know where your bf is going and with whom? ANd is it wrong that you want him to give you a call the moment he reaches home no matter how late it is?? Like come on~ Its not difficult to make a less than 1 minute phone call is it?? Its useless and hopeless. He doesn't has an aim to our relationship at all therefore its difficult for him to understand the meaning of being in a relationship. I don't whether should I wait till he matures but I definitely know I do not wanna wait cos its pointless... I think I should just give up this whole thing... The feeling of being single is already within me its like yesterday went out I already felt the same way when my ex ditched me - single.

.::. What A Surprise!! .::.

2007-07-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

This morning my niece ran into my room and was so excited that she told me she saw baby hamsters!! At first I was in a very blur blur state... lol... Then dont know why the next thing I quickly woke up and ran to see... SO CUTE!!! Hampy has given birth at last?? Hey... I don't even know she was pregnant and hey again... I always had the feeling that Hampy was a female but after so many months putting her with another hamster (fatty) no signs of mating or what so ever so Assumed that both are of the same sex. Until today... LOL... So far I've seen 4?? cos all of them are in the little house... The first thought was to tell Andre... But Calling him means I am giving in to him first... But I gave him quite a few calls - no answer... And now I regretted calling him. Really regretted...

.::. My Words .::.

2007-07-20T22:02:00.001-07:00

Till now, he hasn't called. 3 days since our last arguement. The last time we spoke, he hung up on me and I gave him more than 10 missed calls on his handphone and house phone. And nope he isn't asleep. Till now... No news of him. And I do not wanna call him either cos I'm following my heart. Last time such cases, my heart tells me to call him and I did. But now, I wanna bare with it till he looks up for me first. I can't always be the one giving in first even though he was the one who made me angry first right?? My collegue says he is still childish and I have to have an open heart to give in and forgive him. Jess says he is childish. Flo says he isn't a gentlemen cos he is so petty. And all of them said something in common, he is taking me for granted. I so totally agree cos their bf never did such things to them. Rather, their bf calls them tilll they picks up the phone and I think back... Andre... He'll either call 1 or 2 times and if I don't answer, he stops. Otherwise, like now, not a single call. He thinks thats a man's pride but not realising that he holds his 'face' so high above his head. And I'm serious... That's not a man's pride... Its merely wanting face. Last time, my Andre doesn't do all this to me. He'll look for me at my house and sincerely apologise. Now, he'll say he doesn't want to pamper me doing all that but truth is, he isn't anxious bout me anymore and just pure lazy. Within me, everytime when I expect something of him like he'll look for me or anything, (immediately when I have this feeling within me, thats it.) I will only face great disappointment at the end of the day and I do not know why... I think about the time when out of impulsive, I slapped him and he not only did not take into heart, he consoled me... Another time, I forced him to go home with me and leave his friends, he also did not take into heart and consoled me further when I was still angry with him when he just leave me and went with his friends. On all this account, I try giving in and forgive him... Because I am always taking things he done worng in heart and thats why I often get so angry with him even over the little things. But that was last time. It's always so difficult to trash things out with him cos he always finds that I am nagging at him. Be it I talk to him in a nice manner or scolds him, I tried all ways to try trashing things out with him... He just wouldn't wanna listen. This time he is being too much. And my guess he'll say he wants to let me cool down thats why he is not calling. The truth is that I've told him MANY MANY times that being this way would only cause things to get worst. Is not as if I never told him so why till now he is still being this way towards me?? I'd prefer him to solve situations fast before things gets worst. So many times I would be the one waiting for his calls and when I couldn't stand waiting, I'll call and later find out that he is either out with his friends or breaking. I would be herat broken then. I'll feel less important in him cos he isn't anxious about how I feel at all... He is selfish... He is always the one who wants me to understand him... And I ask myself, why do I have to constantly think for him when he isn't anxious about how I feel... (I do not feel like typing further...) Will be updated soon... When I get back myself. Till now, nothing from him...