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Its been a month since I came into my blog to talk about my life. Its been a month. Everything... Everything is gone, is over... Somehow it seemed to me that no matter how we are going to get back together, nothing will ever be the same again. He wants to insist I cheat on him and in his heart and eyes I'm a bitch, I've nothing to say all except 'ouch'. Andre, if ever one day you came across this blog, read this... no matter where I am or who I hanged out with, you are always in my thoughts. Though at that time I know there is this guy so different form you I would be happy with, I still had you in mind and heart. When I chose you, you treated me like a slut thinking I cheated on you and you treated me nothing but a bitch, talking to me with no respect. (it hurts) My conscience is clear from start. It just shows you know nothing bout me till now. There is no point to anything. You really have mis-treated me no doubt about that. You have made me forgotten the meaning of love, the meaning of happiness do you know that... Whenever I think about the past and what I see now, I could only give a smile in despair. We are seperated now and I know I have 3 months to get over you before my Birthday comes, but somehow at the moment, I miss you.

No matter how much I've done for him... I will never feel appreciated deeply by him. He'll never realise that he hasn't been able to allow myself I am being treasured by him. Rather he will only know how to hurt me further saying he knows I want to tell him he doesn't appreciate me or say everytime I cause things to such a mess between us. Today its his Birthday. He made no effort in creating time for the both of us as his father last minute wanted to bring him out for dinner and my plans were ruined. Friday he chose to be with his friends when 2 days ago he said he could cancel it just to be with me. This afternoon asked him whether he had time for dinner. He said he was too busy with his project but I still push my luck to ask whether he could squeeze in some time for dinner. I was dressed up today and planned to take him to dinner and get his Birthday present too. Immediately he said he don't know what time he can make it and tell me to eat first if I was hungry. Indeed I was as I hadn't eaten since yesterday night till that afternoon. I sent back a sms saying forget it and went home. Thinking, since he can't be botherd why should I? Tonight (12/9/07) when he said he was coming, I quickly went out to find a cake for him so at the strike of midnight, I could celebrate it with him. Last minute he say he was too tired and didn't wanna come. I said do whatever you want. The next thing I know, I was feeling hurt that my plan has fail again. I called him only to know that he was actually sleeping without calling me... I told him bout the cake I bought and he still have no signs of touched. I mentioned break up as I really feel no point... Really no point.... At the end of the day, I'm full of pain and un-appreciated...

These days, not much has changed. Still have been crying especially after a recent fight again. Told myself... I can't be with such a violent person not anymore. So many times I couldn't take it anymore. And I really don't want all this anymore... Why is the feeling of 'Love' so strong and down to earth within me?? I always tell my friends and myself, ''The Greatest Thing About Love Is Forgiving''. Have I been too forgiving?? Why is he still not changing? I've got my heart broken so many times by him so why am I still not learning? Too many questions for myself and I have no answers to it is just because I love him too much? His birthday is next week and many times I had thoughts of just ignoring it to make him feel lost or something like that. But I know how its like to feel disappointed and I just want him to be happy... But I didn't know wanting him to be happy would be sacrificing mine... Yesterday I was looking through his photos. Saw pictures I never would want to look at. I was angry but mostly hurt and felt betrayed... I trusted him to go have fun and clubbing all... While I, waiting for his call and sms worrying for him whether he is home safely till to the late morning... And all I got back was being called a controller of him and all those disgusting pictures. Andre asked me, why do I always say bad things about him to his friends and my friends? Maybe I was too much and realised myself that I shouldn't be this way. He is the man I love not anyone I hate or dislike. Thinking back all the things I did a month ago when he broke up with me, I did too much and all he did was brush me away and reject me all the way. Weeks ago he came back doing nothing at all to get me back and I went back to him like that. I'm not a difficult person to please at all. I didn't want to rub into it its just that the way he has been treating me I feel I'm too nice and taken advantage of. I kept asking him, ''Can you please treat me better?''... A BIG SIGH... I've got a plan for his birthday... Should I proceed??... Just when will I really stand strong to walk away from him once and for all letting him realise everything on his own instead of me reminding him all the time that he feels I am annoying. When will I stop loving him....

Somehow we got back together. No he didn't do anythingi to get me back. All he did was to say he missed me and stupid me went back to him. So many things about him has change... Everything about us is so different now... Being with him now is nothing but feeling upset and angry. I miss 'Andre' (last time Andre)... He doesn't want to have a gf in school I try to accept though it cuts deep down... Yesterday walking to school, he kept a distance away from me and seeing another couple from our school holding hands, I pointed to him. He asked me, ''you think that's very cool?'', ''why you so purposely? you know I don't like to be intimate with you...'' Immediately I told him that this is public not school! and he said there are a lot of farmiliar faces walking by... Everything about him is so different... Andre... what have you done to me? Sometimes I myself can't be bothered about you... Which is not me. I want to bother about you. To care for you... Next week is your Birthday... I asked whether you wanted me to plan anything for you... You said you want... But deep down, I'm feeling you won't even appreciate it so why must I do something for you?... What have you done to me? Telling you is no use... You'll do nothing and ignore... I have to ask you to hold my hand and hug me. When you hold my hand I had to ask you what is the purpose holding my hand? Are you holding it for the sake of holding it? I had to ask you do you love me cos these are simple yet meaningful words I've heard form you. When you said you do, You Love Me No More Like Before... Everything about us is so different now... I'm getting tired... When will I stop loving you...

Currently, Andre and I are having a DAMN complicated realationship. WhY? Cos... both of us are holding back our love for each other way too much. Is like, he is doing and saying things that is mis leading me. We've been working together for 5 days last week and during that period of time, many things happened. Some good, some bad and even some Thrilling ones... We had conversations that just makes me feel good at times and shitty too. Example, he can tell me, ''is not I don't love you, just wait... I just want to see you change'' At first I was like telling myself that maybe I would change but then again, its about my attitude again and simple logic that I am sure everyone (except Andre) knows that: If you don't piss or offend people, people won't get angry or show you attitude for nothing right? Same thing that goes for me. If he doesn't do or says things that piss me, for what I show him my attitude when all I can't wait to do is to pamper and shower him with loads of my love and care!! But then again, I told him off, ''why should you even bother bout whether I'm angry with you or not?'' cos we have broken up. Other then holding hands and kissing, we are as per normal. We could still argue with each other and stuff like that. But I simply don't like the fact that he is treating me for nothing cos he is unable to treat me as his friend nor 'not yet' a girlfriend and it just feels shitty. Yesterday went to school with him and then we decided to meet at 'Peninsula' to kinda shop for stuff. I never been there before so I walked around while waiting for him cos I was there first. I called him to let him know I've reached and continued walking looking for the particular store I wanted to go. Minutes later, he called and asked where I was. I just told him I couldn't find the shop and guess what? He shouted and scolded me over the phone! ''YOU'RE AT THE WRONG PLACE LA!! WHY YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO CALL ME TO ASK??!!'' and he hang up immediately. Suddenly form my back he actually shouted ''JANICE CHUA!!'' and please... the way he shouted my name was damn rude and angry. I had teary eyes and just said ''you need not shout and scold me''... He angrily said this to me ''when times you need my help and call, you don't call, times you don't need to call, you call'' and I just told him I didn't want to bother him too much cos I was really afraid he might find me irritating to keep calling. And you see, there I go again, showing my attitude... Just tell me people, how not to show him my attitude?? We have broken up and yet he still shouts and scold me as and when he please. And I bet that he doesn't shouts or scolds his friends this way. So I'm he doesn't treats me as his friend nor girlfriend, Thats why I feel shitty!! Then later when he cool down, he apologise. What the hell la... Today I went Art Friend with Fairul to get materials and I called him to ask about my 'lino cutter'... At first was fine... then comes in the ''FUCK!!!''... at first I thought what happened so I asked what happened. ''FUCK LA!!! YOU REALLY CALL AT THE WRONG TIME FUCK!! I JUST BOUGHT THE STUD AND BALL DROP!! FUCK!''... I immediately said sorry and hang up... Immediately I controlled my tears but was teary in my eyes... He called twice and I didn't want to answer... Then he sms ''what you want to ask!!! now I am calling you... answer'' then the third call came in immediately after that... I answered and he shouted again and I shouted back, ''YOUR STUD DROP I PAY YOU BACK LA!! EVERYTIME I CALL YOU ALWAYS SAY I CALL AT THE WRONG TIME THATS WHY I DIDN'T DARE TO KEEP CALLING YOU AND YOU BLOODY HELL HELL TELL ME I COULD CALL YOU WHENEVER I REALLY NEEDED HELP AND NOW YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!! I KNOW I AM NOTHING TO YOU!!'' I hung up and this time I couldn't control anymore... I went to the back of the shop and cried... Shortly after that, he sms me, ''Fuck you!!''... I can't be bothered after that... Feeling damn piss and broken, Fairul brought me to have a drink for free and I was feeling better. Soon after that, Andre sms me again and apologise to me saying he was sorry for losing his temper at me... I felt so hurt I cried the second time... DAMN! Why I keep crying ah?? I didn't whether or not to reply and also didn't know what to reply so I just left it... I tried telling myslef at least he apologised... But please la... Who does he treat me for?? Taking out his fustration and anger on me and later on apologising... I hate the feeling... At least if he could treat me as his friend, I wouldn't feel that bad when he apologise. But the problem is I not treated his friend nor girlfriend!! And it simply feels FUCKED UP! Get what I mean... And guess what la... I even bought him cookies for his breakfast tomorrow before all this shit happened... He simply doesn't knows how to appreciate me at all... And I know... But it's just me in the end that I choose to be like this... I'm just waiting for the day where my feelings gets tired of all this and forgets him, I won't be this way anymore... No matter how many people have told me to just leave him alone so that he'll feel the lost, I just can't do it... Not when I still love him... I'll wait till the day comes... When I love him no more...

Never wanted to bother much about this blog I had again but just as when I thought I was going through all this shit so far so good, as in I'm moving on with my life well then I never really much brood over all this unhappy stuff. Guess what... Did something damn stupid that I don't even wanna say it that I got myself DAMN hurt and feeling very fucked up. Who to blame? Non other than me cos I ADMIT I AM STUPID! TO THE MAX! What can I say... I missed him. And was like asked the same question twice today of whether still loving him. And hey... that never came across my mind since from like last week and this question still lingers within my thoughts till now. Do I still love him? Answer couldn't be 'no' or a 'yes'. Why not a 'yes'? Cos I feel I am moving on... Just that sometimes yes I do miss him... But everything was fine till like yesterday?
Especially today... Gees... what have I done to get myself into all this shit again... Janice!!! WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!!!

~*~*~.::.SHOUT OUTS ANYONE??.::.~*~*~