No matter how much I've done for him... I will never feel appreciated deeply by him. He'll never realise that he hasn't been able to allow myself I am being treasured by him. Rather he will only know how to hurt me further saying he knows I want to tell him he doesn't appreciate me or say everytime I cause things to such a mess between us. Today its his Birthday. He made no effort in creating time for the both of us as his father last minute wanted to bring him out for dinner and my plans were ruined. Friday he chose to be with his friends when 2 days ago he said he could cancel it just to be with me. This afternoon asked him whether he had time for dinner. He said he was too busy with his project but I still push my luck to ask whether he could squeeze in some time for dinner. I was dressed up today and planned to take him to dinner and get his Birthday present too. Immediately he said he don't know what time he can make it and tell me to eat first if I was hungry. Indeed I was as I hadn't eaten since yesterday night till that afternoon. I sent back a sms saying forget it and went home. Thinking, since he can't be botherd why should I? Tonight (12/9/07) when he said he was coming, I quickly went out to find a cake for him so at the strike of midnight, I could celebrate it with him. Last minute he say he was too tired and didn't wanna come. I said do whatever you want. The next thing I know, I was feeling hurt that my plan has fail again. I called him only to know that he was actually sleeping without calling me... I told him bout the cake I bought and he still have no signs of touched. I mentioned break up as I really feel no point... Really no point.... At the end of the day, I'm full of pain and un-appreciated...

These days, not much has changed. Still have been crying especially after a recent fight again. Told myself... I can't be with such a violent person not anymore. So many times I couldn't take it anymore. And I really don't want all this anymore... Why is the feeling of 'Love' so strong and down to earth within me?? I always tell my friends and myself, ''The Greatest Thing About Love Is Forgiving''. Have I been too forgiving?? Why is he still not changing? I've got my heart broken so many times by him so why am I still not learning? Too many questions for myself and I have no answers to it is just because I love him too much? His birthday is next week and many times I had thoughts of just ignoring it to make him feel lost or something like that. But I know how its like to feel disappointed and I just want him to be happy... But I didn't know wanting him to be happy would be sacrificing mine... Yesterday I was looking through his photos. Saw pictures I never would want to look at. I was angry but mostly hurt and felt betrayed... I trusted him to go have fun and clubbing all... While I, waiting for his call and sms worrying for him whether he is home safely till to the late morning... And all I got back was being called a controller of him and all those disgusting pictures. Andre asked me, why do I always say bad things about him to his friends and my friends? Maybe I was too much and realised myself that I shouldn't be this way. He is the man I love not anyone I hate or dislike. Thinking back all the things I did a month ago when he broke up with me, I did too much and all he did was brush me away and reject me all the way. Weeks ago he came back doing nothing at all to get me back and I went back to him like that. I'm not a difficult person to please at all. I didn't want to rub into it its just that the way he has been treating me I feel I'm too nice and taken advantage of. I kept asking him, ''Can you please treat me better?''... A BIG SIGH... I've got a plan for his birthday... Should I proceed??... Just when will I really stand strong to walk away from him once and for all letting him realise everything on his own instead of me reminding him all the time that he feels I am annoying. When will I stop loving him....

Somehow we got back together. No he didn't do anythingi to get me back. All he did was to say he missed me and stupid me went back to him. So many things about him has change... Everything about us is so different now... Being with him now is nothing but feeling upset and angry. I miss 'Andre' (last time Andre)... He doesn't want to have a gf in school I try to accept though it cuts deep down... Yesterday walking to school, he kept a distance away from me and seeing another couple from our school holding hands, I pointed to him. He asked me, ''you think that's very cool?'', ''why you so purposely? you know I don't like to be intimate with you...'' Immediately I told him that this is public not school! and he said there are a lot of farmiliar faces walking by... Everything about him is so different... Andre... what have you done to me? Sometimes I myself can't be bothered about you... Which is not me. I want to bother about you. To care for you... Next week is your Birthday... I asked whether you wanted me to plan anything for you... You said you want... But deep down, I'm feeling you won't even appreciate it so why must I do something for you?... What have you done to me? Telling you is no use... You'll do nothing and ignore... I have to ask you to hold my hand and hug me. When you hold my hand I had to ask you what is the purpose holding my hand? Are you holding it for the sake of holding it? I had to ask you do you love me cos these are simple yet meaningful words I've heard form you. When you said you do, You Love Me No More Like Before... Everything about us is so different now... I'm getting tired... When will I stop loving you...

~*~*~.::.SHOUT OUTS ANYONE??.::.~*~*~