Here I am again, having the similar feeling and going through the same ordeal... - A break up. I tried... Lowering my pride to look for him and having one purpose in mind and heart - To solve our problem and keep this relationship... But, no matter what I did and said, all he said was he doesn't want this relationship anymore. He is a totally changed person and he knows it. Even he knows deep down he still loves me, he not only didn't want to admit, he was stopping himself from recalling our times together. Then there came this girl he mentioned...

Andre if you are ever reading this, everything you said about the girl and you, it worked... I felt hurt... Not because I believed your words, But your main aim was to hurt me and you did. I don't know which are the words you said was true. I only know I still love you. And I can't trust you anymore... You said you tried... Not hard enough otherwise such a thing won't happen. We are always going through obstacles and you are simply giving up this time all because you want your life, your freedom. Compromise is what I want for us. A chance is what I asked from you. Not even taking on the account that there were so many times when you needed a chance, I gave you... The one time after you got high after drinking, you did something wrong and my feelings for you simply just fade immediately, you also asked for a chance... And because I know I can be with you, I tried my best to love you... Till today, my love for you hasn't lessen but unknowingly, I gave my whole heart to you. You didn't even hear my cries and just shut me up without giving me this one chance I asked for. Just as when you always say you are not those typical guys, you have already become one - a very irresponsible one... Why you have become this way... I'll wait and at the same time to forget. Andre... You'll have my blessings and don't ever feel you are alone. Please don't neglect your sister and father... Remember to bring her to watch the movie. She's been looking forward to it. Know your limits and don't make your father angry all the time. Is not he has something against you but its because you never really listens to him thats why he gets angry. Most importantly, Andre, I may not be there with you anymore to take care of you but just remember this that you're not alone... Deep down, I'm with you...

I had always this feeling that before when he went to Thailand, our relationship was already improving... But after he came back from Thailand, I was so happy that I saw and felt that our relationship was getting even better. We were constantly giving in towards each other. And we hadn't much quarrels. Last time almost everyday we would argue... But I really felt blessed to be with him at that moment. Its all within him whether he wants to change or not. But why~ he has to say ''no, not much of a difference''?? Last night he wants a break up. And to me, it is all within himslef. Because lately he has been out with his friends and has gotten a lot of influence. He said after much talking with his friends, he feels breaking up with me is being mature??!! When I asked for a reason, he said he realised that I am always a destraction in his assesment period. And that he says I was controlling him. Thats the reason and I was like that happened like last year and he is only taking it last night. I admit partly was my fault but its a simple issue here. He is busy, but couldn't be that he doesn't even call or send an sms the whole day right? I mean even a toilet break or what, is making a call or sending a sms that difficult? I don't like to be forgotten by him. And I can't possibly go down to look for him just because I missed him cos that would stop him from doing his work. And about controlling him, to him he may feel I am controlling him so I never blamed him. But all I want for him to do was just letting me know where he is going and with whom and to call me as soon as he gets home no matter how late it is. Is that too much of me? I may say things that is very unreasonable like ''since you can't even call, you can stop thinking bout going out with your friends otherwise, I'll go along with you!'' and also i ever said very nicely to him after he got back form Thailand that if ever next time he goes clubbing with his friends, he has to bring me. BUT, I've done none of these... I was just being so angry that why he can't even call me and made me stay up till morning 4am worying for him and he takes it that I am being troublesome... Thats why he didn't call... We tried to compromise and letting him go and I not following him but he has to call that simple... Where am I wrong??? Andre... you are so easily distracted you know that? When you have something new in life, you neglect the ones beside you... How can you say that frineds are more long lasting than having a gf when I kept telling you ''FRIENDS ARE NOT FOREVER''??!! Andre, do you even realise that you are dumping me for your friends?? And you call that being mature?? Being mature is solving problems between us and not taking it as a trouble to do so. With that kind of a thinking you still dare to tell me you are ready to be in a relationship when I asked you last night? Right now Andre, 'Love' is no longer in your heart... Its your friends... Your friends are really in a big influence to you and you call yourself being mature... You put your 'face' way above your head and you call that a man's pride... In front of your friends Andre, all you have is 'face'. Your pride is long lost the moment you chose your friends over me. Childish of you is what I call, You confidently tell me that is being mature. A person that can never admit he is childish at first, is always the person who always say big that he is mature. Andre, I can't blame your friends... everything is within yourself. Just like when you came back from Thailand, you missed me so much and said you have learnt to bacome a better bf. You did and why... do you have to say it makes no difference to you?? Its all in you... WAKE UP ANDRE!!!

Its been 6 days already... Still no calls from him... 2 days ago was our 1 year 5 months Anniversary and I told myself to wait till the very last minute that night that he'll do something or at least call. But the hurt this time wasn't that hard to bare cos I already knew the outcome of it... Cos like I said, whenever this feeling of expecting him of something, it means GREAT disappointment in the end. Last night his father called me and came to realise that he was out with his friends partying. I knew it all along... And had the urge of calling him to scold him but I thought, this whole thing between us is almost like a silent break up and I chose not to bother anymore. All the things I once said about informing me where he was going and to call me upon reaching home no matter how late it was - he can't be bothered with it. So many times he chose his friends over me and this time round its the same. Instead of solving situations between us, he chose to have fun with his friends (most of them are girls). And this isn't the first time. Also, it isn't the first time I told him that I hate him enjoying with his friends first then come look for me. If you guys think that ''at least he still looks for me'' well, I was the one who ASKED to. He calls this pampering me too much but hey its been like more than 6 months whenever we quarrel, he didn't came looking for me nor call. Rather, I'll be calling him after 2 days at most to scold him. In my heart right now, part of me already considered this relationship - ended. On the other hand having the thoughts - let him be... have fun or anything he wants to do. Till he is bored of it and have enough, he'll look for me naturally. But at the same time ain't I just torturing myself? Its like, there he is - Enjoying. Here I am - Waiting. And its not as if I'm like him who takes the advantage to go out with friends to have fun. Cos to him, I'm always controlling him. Hey peeps, as a gf, is it wrong to know where your bf is going and with whom? ANd is it wrong that you want him to give you a call the moment he reaches home no matter how late it is?? Like come on~ Its not difficult to make a less than 1 minute phone call is it?? Its useless and hopeless. He doesn't has an aim to our relationship at all therefore its difficult for him to understand the meaning of being in a relationship. I don't whether should I wait till he matures but I definitely know I do not wanna wait cos its pointless... I think I should just give up this whole thing... The feeling of being single is already within me its like yesterday went out I already felt the same way when my ex ditched me - single.

This morning my niece ran into my room and was so excited that she told me she saw baby hamsters!! At first I was in a very blur blur state... lol... Then dont know why the next thing I quickly woke up and ran to see... SO CUTE!!! Hampy has given birth at last?? Hey... I don't even know she was pregnant and hey again... I always had the feeling that Hampy was a female but after so many months putting her with another hamster (fatty) no signs of mating or what so ever so Assumed that both are of the same sex. Until today... LOL... So far I've seen 4?? cos all of them are in the little house... The first thought was to tell Andre... But Calling him means I am giving in to him first... But I gave him quite a few calls - no answer... And now I regretted calling him. Really regretted...

Till now, he hasn't called. 3 days since our last arguement. The last time we spoke, he hung up on me and I gave him more than 10 missed calls on his handphone and house phone. And nope he isn't asleep. Till now... No news of him. And I do not wanna call him either cos I'm following my heart. Last time such cases, my heart tells me to call him and I did. But now, I wanna bare with it till he looks up for me first. I can't always be the one giving in first even though he was the one who made me angry first right?? My collegue says he is still childish and I have to have an open heart to give in and forgive him. Jess says he is childish. Flo says he isn't a gentlemen cos he is so petty. And all of them said something in common, he is taking me for granted. I so totally agree cos their bf never did such things to them. Rather, their bf calls them tilll they picks up the phone and I think back... Andre... He'll either call 1 or 2 times and if I don't answer, he stops. Otherwise, like now, not a single call. He thinks thats a man's pride but not realising that he holds his 'face' so high above his head. And I'm serious... That's not a man's pride... Its merely wanting face. Last time, my Andre doesn't do all this to me. He'll look for me at my house and sincerely apologise. Now, he'll say he doesn't want to pamper me doing all that but truth is, he isn't anxious bout me anymore and just pure lazy. Within me, everytime when I expect something of him like he'll look for me or anything, (immediately when I have this feeling within me, thats it.) I will only face great disappointment at the end of the day and I do not know why... I think about the time when out of impulsive, I slapped him and he not only did not take into heart, he consoled me... Another time, I forced him to go home with me and leave his friends, he also did not take into heart and consoled me further when I was still angry with him when he just leave me and went with his friends. On all this account, I try giving in and forgive him... Because I am always taking things he done worng in heart and thats why I often get so angry with him even over the little things. But that was last time. It's always so difficult to trash things out with him cos he always finds that I am nagging at him. Be it I talk to him in a nice manner or scolds him, I tried all ways to try trashing things out with him... He just wouldn't wanna listen. This time he is being too much. And my guess he'll say he wants to let me cool down thats why he is not calling. The truth is that I've told him MANY MANY times that being this way would only cause things to get worst. Is not as if I never told him so why till now he is still being this way towards me?? I'd prefer him to solve situations fast before things gets worst. So many times I would be the one waiting for his calls and when I couldn't stand waiting, I'll call and later find out that he is either out with his friends or breaking. I would be herat broken then. I'll feel less important in him cos he isn't anxious about how I feel at all... He is selfish... He is always the one who wants me to understand him... And I ask myself, why do I have to constantly think for him when he isn't anxious about how I feel... (I do not feel like typing further...) Will be updated soon... When I get back myself. Till now, nothing from him...

~*~*~.::.SHOUT OUTS ANYONE??.::.~*~*~